"Say what you mean"...."Mean what you say"...
I have heard these 2 phrases endlessly throughout my life. I have even been know to fire them off in a moment of frustration.
Why are these things so hard to do? I mean, of course I know why, but WHY?!
The "why" is that we don't want to hurt someone, or we are afraid of the consequences if we are truthful, or we are fearful of what someone may think of us, or, and here's my favorite, we've already said it a million times and noone is listening.
Dear Random Teenager: If you are excited about something, why are you compelled to poo-poo it? To act like it's no big deal? At what point in our society did we decide that being happy and excited about something was "uncool"? Guess what, if you poo-poo it, the likelihood is that a random adult WILL NOT let it happen again, because you appeared to have no appreciation for it the last time. Now you've cut your nose off to spite your face. (Ask an old person, they'll tell you what that means.)
If my girlfriend asks my opinion about a circumstance in her life, why would I lie? Why should I sugar-coat? I assume she is asking because she wants my advice. Or wait, maybe she is just venting but didn't say that!! Oh Crap! Now I've given an honest reply to a misleading request. And now I am the bad guy. DAMN!
And let's not forget the classic; "What's wrong Honey"...."Nothing"...UGH! I am sooo very guilty of this! We all are. We expect that the other person has a crystal ball, that they know exactly what is going on in our head. And when they don't act (or react) according to our plan, we get angry...wha-wha-what?!? So unfair. To them, to you.
What I've learned is this; if you don't speak the truth, if you are not open, if your are not honest, then you are handing your happiness right on over to someone else...
If you don't, what happens? Let's see here...(just an example, not an actual event)...I don't tell my significant other that him putting hats on the table drives me crazy, when he does, I move it to the chair, he continues to do it, I continue to put them on the chair. And round and round we go. Finally I snap..."Haven't you noticed that everytime you put your hat on the table, I move it to the chair?!?! God, could you be any more inconsiderate?" And he stares at me dumbfounded. "What's the matter with you today?" (Thought in my head: He better not ask if I'm on my period or I'll behead him! ;) ) A ridiculous, completely off subject fight then ensues, ruining an otherwise uneventful afternoon. Blech.
Wikipedia defines Passive Agressive Behavior as this:
Passive–aggressive behavior, a personality trait, is passive, sometimes obstructionist resistance to following through with expectations in interpersonal or occupational situations. It is a personality trait marked by a pervasive pattern of negative attitudes and passive, usually disavowed, resistance in interpersonal or occupational situations.
It can manifest itself as:
1. learned helplessness
2. procrastination
3. stubbornness
4. resentment
5. sullenness
6. deliberate/repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible.[1]
Beyond the mumbo jumbo of the definition is the list of unhappy stuff that can manifest as a result...none of which I want in my life. It's the yucky stuff that kills relationships. It's the mortar to the bricks in our wall...you know the wall, the one we build to protect our heart.
So let's do this...let's be honest, let's be happy when we are happy, let's be angry when we are angry, let's show the love that we feel inside. Because in the end, it's our life, and we are in control.
**Disclaimer: I AM NOT suggesting you be mean. Honesty and mean spiritedness do NOT necessarily go hand in hand. :)
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HONESTY is ALWAYS the BEST POLICY!!
ReplyDeleteHowever, one should be careful what one wishes for.
When someone shares their honest opinion with someone who is usually, extremely opinionated themselves, Well, lets just say that can cause a backlash. I know because I have been there...
All this honesty sounds good in Theory, BUT just how practical is it?
When it is about "the hat on the Table" I say yes go for it in the moment. Say you hate hats on the table the first time that you find it there..
It just might not ever find its way there again.
With that being said...
Speaking your mind honestly, to someone that does not take a sugesstion, well..Hummmm that just might be a whole different can of worms..
But as always be kind, and a bit diplomatic in your approach and it just might work out that we have cleared the air and someone just might
have learned from it.
All very valid remarks. And yes, the world is not perfect and everyone we encounter will not be approachable. I also have been there...
ReplyDeleteThere are even people who ask for honesty, only to "punish" the other person for the information that they recieve. Also unfair. In which case, the non-truthful person feels like they have no option other than to bend the truth for their own preservation. Especially if the relationship is unavoidable. (ie: family)
Either way, when it comes to the intimate relationships in our lives, honesty should always be possible, and that was kind of my point. Our partners, our friends, our children. If it's not, then something is broken and needs repaired. And that should be the primary focus.